My ex… is an addict. Name it, he probably does it. His DOC (Drug of Choice) is meth, lately anyway. It used to be crack. He will use coke, crack, meth, weed, alcohol, pills…anything he can get his hands on. I did not know he was an addict when I fell in love with him.
We met in Fall 2000. We were young, neither of us was ready for commitment but in hindsight, I have been in love with him since that first time he kissed me. Back then I was a bit of a party girl, I was hooking up with different guys and experimenting with drugs, mainly E but I dabbled in other stuff. I would never look back and say I was addicted to anything cause I never was. I didn’t need it and it wasn’t like I constantly searching for it. It was just something my friends and I did if the opportunity arose, particularly when we went clubbing. I was 21 and fully embracing my newfound freedom and independence since I was 3000 miles away from my family and living on my own.
We met online…via chat room. It was a local chat room and we never once spoke sexually or romantically, it was just oh hey…you live near me, how are ya? He was 19 and I didn’t even know what he looked like til we met. He walked out of his car and if I was sappier I could say my heart skipped a beat. He was gorgeous. Tall, handsome face, beautiful eyes…I was hooked. We spent the evening talking about life and music. I flirted with him subtlely and just when I thought nothing was going to happen…he kissed me. From that first kiss I felt that sort of electricity you only hear about in movies and stupid romance novels. I had never felt that before…nor have I felt it with anyone but him since.
And so, the ride began. For over a year…we were non commital, casually having sex and dating. We could spend weeks together and then not see each other for a month and then start right back up. in August 2001 he enlisted in the Army. In November 2001, he stopped calling so I figured he had been deployed. My life went on… I missed him but I ackowledged we were not a couple and we were both kids. I dated others, moved around… just lived. I started living with someone else…he was nice, but I never felt “it” with him. I almost felt I was using him just as a roommate.
In 2005…after being out drunk with friends, I came home at 2am still wide awake and so decided to go online and chat. Something I hadn’t done in a year or two. I get a random IM from a local guy and I check out his profile, it had a picture. It was him. So I told him..hey is your name “J….” and he said yea…wait (pause), holy shit.. “YM?” and so we started talking, we began a friendship that 2 months later led to another one of those elctric kisses where my legs turned to jello. I broke up with the bf at the time and J and I spent days together again, but non-commital again. we went on like this for about 5 months when I met someone new and he started calling less, then just disappeared. I never told him that I was crazy about him.
2006 comes around and out of the blue he calls me and wants to see me. We quickly move from friends to sex and one day he just tells me flat out he is and has always had feelings for me and we would crazy to not try it after all these years. I agree and tell him the same…and within months (like 2) we are living together, and 3 months later I am pregnant. I have to say that up til S was a few months old, we were ridiculously happy. He was wonderful.
I started suspecting something was wrong when S was about 3 months old. I didn’t know what but I eventually found out he was smoking weed and spending a lot of money that we didn’t have for it. He would do it after work, fully knowing I needed him at home after being home alone all day with a newborn. I thought we worked it out. I was wrong. In Feb 2008, we moved to CA cause he wanted a change and I wanted to be close to my family. By May 2008, he was a coke addict. When he ran off after staying out here and there for a few days…I called his family. Turns out that “disappearance” in 2005…yea, he was binging on coke and wound up getting arrested for theft at work. Why no one told me about this before…I still don’t understand. So…in June 2008 he agreed to seek help and lived in a sober living home for 2 months. August…he left and binged then attempted to enroll in a rehab, but they did not have a bed available, so I let him come home while he waited. Then I needed someone home to watch the baby while I worked. He had been clean for a month so I figured why not? He went to meetings and things were good…until September 2009.
His moods changed. He would get mad and yell at me, for almost anything. He slept less and disappeared without letting anyone know where he was or when he would be back. By November…I had found out everything, well almost. I broke up with him and told him he needed to find help…and we did this ride for weeks “I love you, don’t go…you ruined my life, please stay…let’s work on it..go away..etc..” and then one day in December he just…left. I was putting S to bed and he just walked out and never came home.
He contacted me twice via IM 2 weeks ago…and called me twice yesterday and my heart aches.
I have moved on in every way possible: I moved, I removed his name from everything of mine and S’s, I bought my own car, and I started dating. But….the big BUT…I still love him and I don’t know how to move on from that. I know he is not in any way good for me right now, nor is he good for S…but my heart remembers when it was good and when he called, it felt like someone was pouring salt over a wound that was just starting to heal. I am string enough to let him lead his own way right now but what scares me…really scares me, is the possibility that I will always love him and no matter how far I get in living my life, I will love only him and never let anyone else in. How do I stop loving after all these years?