So i promised to try to keep up. Oh well, not like I have any readers at the moment so I guess it’s OK…for now.
My computer broke right before I moved so I have tried to post from work and well… work is work. I have someone fixing my computer, and I was supposed to get it back yesterday, but now the guy is not answering my calls or email. I suppose he doesn’t know where I work, but I gave him a warning email and BCC’ed my office to have a paper trail…just in case. So here is hoping I have my computer tonight.
I am starting to wonder how good I am at choosing the people I trust. I mean there is that some guy just ran off with my very used computer…how I just let myself get walked on when I truly want companionship…and of course, the ex.
On the ex front… he has Imed another time, from a name that doesn’t exist really. I just spent the last hour going over old emails and chats, and have discovered how amazing it is that when you feel you have lost someone… you only remember the pieces you want to remember. I have cried some…the realization that he has lied to me pretty much our whole relationship hurts. I see chats where I was angry cause he disappeared without even a call dating well over a year ago when in my mind I don’t remember that. Was I really that blind? Did he ever really love me since it seems everything about us was a fabrication… a myth? and more importantly, how stupid am/was I to believe it was real love? It was always something…alcohol…”chatting” with other girls (I believe now he may have cheated on me a few times)…weed…and then the ultimately mistress, meth.
I like to think I am an intelligent person, but all of the above contradicts that. Love and loyalty have been my downfall so far. I don’t know if I can ever truly love again. To give myself over like that…i can’t, not anymore. Just my daughter and me, that’s all I need.
Oh yea, S is in preschool. Just started this week. Amazing. Growing way too fast…one day she will go off to college with my heart. A day coming way too soon. God, I love her.