To say that Joe and I have been through it ALL, would be an understatement. We met when we were 19 and 21, but nothing became serious til almost six years later cause we were both really dumb kids. But once we got together, life moved super fast and I was pregnant in less than 6 months. Sofia was the best surprise that either of us could have imagined. She was and still is the light of our lives. A perfect little mix of us both, with a HUGE personality of her own. I remember thinking, wow, how did I get so lucky.
Since our relationship moved at hyper speed and my daughter took a lot of my time, certain behaviors went unnoticed and the signs of his drug use were dismissed as one time actions. I’ve talked about his addiction before and what it did to us, to me. How I had to just let go, and try to move on. I did, for close to a year. Butnone of those guys ever fit with me, the way that Joe always did. I never truly moved on. When he returned, sober and already working a program, I wanted to run and embrace him and have my family back. But I just couldn’t do it then. I couldn’t let go of the hurt so soon. Instead, he began to re-establish a relationship with Sofia, and I would see him almost every day. And then even against all my protests, I fell for him once more and we became a family again.
If this were a movie, that would be where the story would end. The “happily ever after” moment that we are all led to believe will happen to us. But I don’t live in a movie. I was happy that we got back together, but I was so hesitant to admit it to anyone. Totally not something you do when you start anew with someone. In part, it was because I didn’t want to be wrong again. That pain the first time around was unbearable and if it wasn’t for my baby girl, I am not so sure I would have made it through. But I was lucky, I had a great support system, and I grew strong enough to set boundaries for myself, and to accept that I this was the love I chose.
Eventually the confidence I built in myself in the time he was gone, and the support I knew I would always have, allowed me to start to let our relationship to heal. I let go of the pain and the anger and I took a leap of faith.
It’s been almost three years since we got back together. Three years of his sobriety, three years of counseling on and off, and our relationship is most certainly not easy. It’s work every day. It’s a process, and something we go through together. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. But we’re still here…he loves me despite all my craziness, and I love him for who he is, faults and all.