Betrayed and Back: Getting Past Infidelity

I have been afraid to write this post for a long time. Which is exactly why I am going to do it now.

My husband and I were separated and when we got back together, we both just kinda shoved all feelings that the separation caused to the side. I know I did…. I just wanted all the anger from things I couldn’t change or control to disappear. About 6 months later, she told me via email. “I’ve been sleeping with him for the past two months…just thought you should know.” The thing is, in the back of my head… I knew something had changed. I remember feeling rage but thinking at the same time, “so I wasn’t crazy, this was real.”

Suddenly all those feelings I never let out, came flooding back and I was raging. I threw him out and if you asked me then, I would have said that I would never forgive him and that I would never stay with someone who betrayed me like that. In fact, it’s something I hear lots of women say…”I’d never stay with a cheater” “I could never live with a cheater” or even, “how could she stay with a cheater… I feel so sorry for her.”

Nothing I had ever thought about feeling came to light. Sure I was angry, but after throwing things and crying over a few Adele songs (oh Adele…you and I should have drinks girl)…I felt numb. I knew I was doing it again. My self defense mode: Ignore. Ignore, Delete, Ignore. But in this case, I couldn’t delete him… no matter how badly I wanted to right then. He was my daughter’s father and he was a good dad at that. Sometimes, I would watch her playing or watching TV and I saw him right there. No, I couldn’t erase him…he was part of me…of my daughter… forever.

So, I decided to let him back in. I wasn’t sure if I could heal, I was too everything to know if love remained but our daughter was the reason I let him in to talk. He made the counseling appointment and he opened up about things I never even knew. It took me 4 sessions to open up, but once I did, it came like a flood. Everything I had pushed down so hard and wanted to ignore…and everything that I allowed to put a wall around me so he wouldn’t get close again.

I learned that while the cheating was his fault…our relationship was broken before it and we both needed to work on it. I needed to forgive, regardless of whether we stayed together or not. To forgive, I had to let myself feel the hurt, feel the anger and above all, communicate it. Both of us had to learn how to function as a unit, something I am not sure we ever did before that.

It’s a couple years later, and I am more in love with him than ever before. We have our bad days, just like everyone else, but instead of tucking things away we deal with them together. Staying with someone after being cheated on isn’t weak nor am I saying everyone should stay with a cheater. However, for some people like me (and maybe you?), it doesn’t have to be the end, if you both are willing to fix what’s broken.

Comments

  1. I was going to share my cheating story; but it’s got so many parts. But he’s a habitual cheater, so we couldn’t work things out.

  2. I don’t think you are weak…. I think you are stronger than most woman to be brave enough to face your problems and not just throw them away. xoxoxo to you hermana.

  3. Emily says:

    I always wonder how couples find the strength to mend their broken marriages when someone cheats. You are so brave to share your story. I hope others find inspiration after reading this.

  4. Raijean says:

    Great story of love, hope and courage!

  5. Dusty B says:

    I can honestly say I’m not sure I could forgive, but one really never knows until they’re in that situation. It took courage to share though, girl. Good for you!

  6. Vicky says:

    It takes a strong person to admit and forgive to move on.

  7. Staci says:

    You know my story. We were separated for almost 3 years. It takes a lot of courage to forgive… and even more to forget enough of it to move on. I am proud of you for sharing. Believe me, I know all to well what it is like. But, 12 years and 5 kids later… I would never regret my decision either. :) Much love, Girl!

  8. Your strength and character are apparent from the way you’ve dealt with this adversity. Sometimes we really don’t know why we do the things we do, so talking to someone can definitely be helpful.

  9. Anne says:

    I am so glad you decided to stay committed. Most of us seem to have either never learned that or forgotten how to do it. The world tells us that everything has to be convenient and work well… and somehow our family and all our relationships are supposed to work perfectly. I wish I would have had your insight a couple of years ago because I AM divorced. I am so happy you’re not… because every pain is better than divorce pain – esp. with a child. I am so proud of you that you stayed committed. If there’s ONE thing in your life you can be proud of – that’s the one!

  10. Darcy says:

    There is a complexity to cheating. I think saying it’s over automatically is the easy way out. It takes strength to work things out.

  11. Michelle Ayers says:

    beautifully written! I wish you guys the best of luck!

  12. Yvonne Condes says:

    So brave of you to share something so personal. You never know how you’ll react when something like that happens. It sounds like you did what was best for you and you’re better for it.

  13. Tazim says:

    I think only you can decide how important the relationship is and figure out if you’re able and willing to forgive and repair things. It’s impossible to say what I would do in that situation, because I’m not emotionally invested – when you are, it completely changes things.

  14. Elena says:

    It’s always easier to break up than to try to fix your relationship. You are very strong and loving woman.

  15. dawn k says:

    I am amazed at your courage to share this post, but I am glad that you did. I wasn’t in that situation, but my husband’s ex-wife was a continual cheater. I harbor lots of resentment towards her for breaking apart their family. I really admire your strength to keep your marriage together.

  16. Yolanda, First off thank you so much for sharing that incredible story of true love. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for two years with two amazing children. A few years back we endured our hardships and some issues in our relationship occurred. It was tough because like you mention it takes two. Eventually we took some time off and then came back stronger than ever. Today we are in a great place and have so much love for each other and our families. It’s amazing sometimes what people say and how they react but you’re right, until you’re in that situation you will never know how you will react or respond. Great post!

  17. Angela says:

    You are so brave for sharing this story. I don’t think anyone can truly say that they would never stay with someone who cheated on them. Every couple has different problems and just like each person is unique, so you can really say never. Kudos to you for making it work!

  18. Cheating is not black and white, it’s not do this and not that. Everyone’s situation is different, everyone has to deal with it the best way they know is right for them and their family. By talking about it openly, you just never know who you helped. Much love mama!

  19. Tammy S says:

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Everyone can say I would never take him back, until you are in the situation you never really know. I agree that it takes a lot of work to forgive and forget. It just goes to show how committed you both are to each other. Good luck!

  20. Unknown Mami says:

    Life and are complicated, messy, and as beautiful as we let them be. Love your candor.

  21. Unknown Mami says:

    ^^^Life and love

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